I have a confession to make.

I use a Spoonk Mat daily, sometimes twice a day.

Despite the fact that “spoonk” sounds dangerously close to another slang term for baby batter or man chowder, this isn’t a mat designed for cleaner masturbation sessions.

A Spoonk Mat is substantially less fun than that.  And although it isn’t exactly a bed of spikes, it’s damn close.

Take a look for yourself:

Don’t you just love the focus on the earth-friendly materials… as if they somehow don’t make it hurt like giving a knife a hand-job?

Full disclosure: I also have a near fetish-level relationship with cold showers.

So at this point, it would be understandable if you thought that I was just some masochist, and this Spoonk Mat was just a sinister device masquerading as a holistic health tool.

But think again, heathens! My masochist tendencies aside, this is the Real Deal.

If you’d like to read all about the research and purported benefits of the Spoonk Mat, just click here to go directly to their website. You’ll discover it’s relationship to acupuncture, which is now even endorsed by the AMA and other “credible corporations”.

But as you may already know, I couldn’t give two Iguana shits (click that link, you know you want to) about most research studies, for reasons too many to list here.

My buddy John O. covers some of the reasons below, if you’ve got 20 minutes (Note: it’s worth the time):

All I really care about is What’s In It For Me (WIIFM). How’s that for being spiritual? And can the tool/practice/belief deliver results for me in this relative reality?

So DESPITE that fact that this Jackass endorses it, I still decided to give it a go.

I should begin by saying that I have a relatively high pain tolerance. This is likely due to having endured over 100 Rolfing sessions, as well as two penile reduction surgeries.

Related: What Do Women Really Think About Penis Size

So take my subjective pain assessment for what it’s worth; but I truly don’t think it hurts all that much. Sure, it feels like razor sharp barbs are piercing through your skin, but that’s no reason to be a drama queen.

So does the damn thing produce the promised results, like relaxation and decreased pain and tightness?

In my experience, yes, why yes it does… indeed.

How I Use the Spoonk Mat

I’ve been utilizing the Spoonk Mat for about three months now, primarily standing on it for 5 minutes in the morning and while meditating lying on the floor.

Yes, lying down for meditation is allowed, because Adyashanti said so!

Related: Adyashanti True Meditation

Standing on the mat is rather straightforward. The website advises wearing socks, which I obviously ignored. I’ve done the Fire Walk with Tony Robbins, for fucks sake. And talk about a toothy Jackass laughing all the way to the bank…

There’s a bit of pain for the first minute or so, but that eventually subsides as I am able to relax my feet and let them sink further into the mat. I know that sound counterintuitive, but all the best stuff does, right?

Stepping off the Spoonk can be tricky, as it seems I have to put all of my weight on one foot in order to lift the other (still working on my levitation skills). But once I have both my feet on the floor, they feel soft like butter.

Spoonk Mat For Meditation

I’ve been meditating twice a day recently, once in the more common seated posture, and once lying on the mat. Much like the standing position, getting on and off the mat are the most “sensitive” moments.

Once I’m down on the mat, there are about 90 seconds of discomfort (which is down from about 4-5 minutes initially). I suspect this period will continue to shorten, as I’m able to relax more quickly.

And that really does seem to be the ticket – either you relax into it, or you get the fuck off of it. Those are the only reasonable options.

Once I do let go and “allow everything to be as it is”, I usually enter into a state of deep relaxation that rivals most any non-drug assisted techniques I’ve ever tried. As a matter of fact, the most challenging issue is staying conscious for the entire 30 minutes of my meditation session.

Spoonk Mat For Sleeping

Finally, because of the deep relaxation mentioned above, the Spoonk Mat has proven to be invaluable for me to wind-down before turning in for the night. Placing it on the bed does decrease the initial “therapeutic stimulus”, but it still seems to get the job done. Although my intention is always to use it for 20 minutes or so, I’ve been know to fall into a deep sleep and be on it for a couple of hours. But I would suggest testing out 20 minutes, and then removing it and placing it on the floor.

Note: Be sure to place it “spikes down”, especially if you have pets or little humans running around your house.

There you have it, my review of the infamous Spoonk Mat.

It gets a WUH rating of 4/5 Big Toes

 

 

 

 

Give it a shot. What’s the worse that could happen?

Well, I suppose you could die on a bed of spikes. But as the greatest band in the land (The Jesus and Mary Chain) tell it, that’s a damn grand exit strategy:

Peace Out,

Hairy Yogurt Das

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